I'm ready to climb the mountain now.. but only with Jesus beside me..

This past month, feels like it's lasted so loooong. I've been going through a valley of ugly... In the middle of the ugly, a precious friend, asked me a simple question, that really got me to thinking. She asked, "I was wondering, have you prayed about it?" ("It", being something I didn't want to do, but felt like I should do.") I was thinking... "Hello!!?? I pray every day!! Of course I've prayed about it... uh.... wait.... I have, haven't I? Surely I have.... but I don't remember praying for THAT exactly " So, I started to realize that my prayers had pretty much turned into a time of telling God, way up in Heaven, far, far away from me, way up in the blue sky, busy with other more important things than me, ... that I wanted to take a little time to thank Him for our blessings, but I sure would like more of them if it wasn't too much to ask. I prayed quick little short prayers for people who asked for prayers, and short little bursts throughout the day of asking for Spiritual protection for my children, and my husband, our school, our families.... BUT..... my prayer time wasn't a time of sitting at the feet of Jesus anymore. My heart wasn't washed daily in the beauty of His presence and my soul wasn't renewed as I soaked up His Holiness, His Beauty, His grace, His mercy, His Peace, His Comfort, His Love. I was on a mission of praying because it was what I'd always done and knew I was suppose to, reading His Word, because I knew it was good for me, but not really soaking it up and praying for my heart to be open and my mind to comprehend... Oh brother.. what in the world have I been doing?! In my busy life, I had to let something slide... and it sure shouldn't have been The One, the Only One, that truly matters. This morning as my children rushed out the door to school, before I did anything else, I reached out for my Bible, in my soft comfy chair with my coffee on the table next to me, and I read His Precious Words.. His promises to me, to you, His life, given for you, for me, so that we can be saved, so we can live under His protection, sharing His love that He freely pours on everyone and His redemption that He offers to everyone and anyone who wants Him. I saw the ugly black on my heart and the ugly sins that tempt me and I prayed with confidence in Him, knowing that He would wash my heart clean, though my sins were as scarlet, He washes them away, making my heart white as snow. His help is there to turn from temptations and offer beauty for ashes and strength when I'm weak. Power to the faint! Strength to live His holy plan for our lives. He just loves us like that! While we were still sinners He died for us! He opens His wells of grace and salvation!! The chorus of that song.. I sang it.. (much to my cat's dismay, I didn't take it personally)... "Open the wells of grace and salvation, pour the rich streams deep into my heart, cleanse and refine my thought and affection, seal me and make me pure as Thou art." ... and the verses... "Dead to the world would I be O Father, dead unto sin, alive unto Thee. Crucify all the earthly within me, emptied of sin and self may I be... I would be Thine and serve Thee forever, Filled with Thy Spirit, lost in Thy love. Come to my heart Lord, come with anointing, showers of grace send down from above!!"

I read the story of Mary, looking for Jesus after the crucifixion, and not finding Him and how she saw two angels sitting in His tomb, but she didn't realize they were angels and how she was crying and they asked her what was wrong and she told them they had taken away her Lord.. and then Jesus was standing behind her, she turned around, not knowing who He was, and Jesus asked her why she was weeping and whom was she seeking, and can't you just see His eyes, His heart of love, and Mary thought He was the gardener, and asked Him if He'd taken Him away... and Jesus said, "Mary".. and then... Mary... can you just imagine her feelings? Looking up at Him with wonder and love, said, "Rabboni".. meaning "Master". I wish I could have been her..... but then I'm probably more like Thomas .... "Except I shall see in His hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into His side, I will not believe." .. and then when that chance came for Thomas, his reaction is still beautiful.... "My Lord and my God" I'm so thankful God gave him that chance.. not only for him, but for me and all who are like me. I'm sure He put that part of the story in for us....

Friends

My heart and mind have been full of the blessings of friends the last couple of weeks. They are such a precious gift from God.

Growing up as a little girl, I remember a few friends, not very many, but I loved them and we had fun.. then when I was about 9,  I left that group of friends, and lived with my grandparents, where I was surrounded by friends.. close friends. I was part of a community and church all wrapped up in one. We went to church, went to school, and had social activities together all the time, with the same people or the same type of people. Only socializing with others who belonged to our same church denomination. There was a lot of singing, playing games, visiting, working, playing... it was safe, comfortable, fun, loving, nurturing and actually just plain beautiful. I made some bad choices though, and left, (got excommunicated) from this precious group of people/friends that I loved and felt happy with. So... I had to find a whole new group of friends.. people to hang with... I left with my bags in hand and moved to McPherson, not really knowing anybody on the "outside"....

Obviously, since I was expelled from a church, my choices weren't lining up with God's will..and it was amazing how quickly I found "friends". They weren't the kind of friends I would choose now, nor that I would ever want my children choosing. These friends opened up my eyes to a whole new world. With these friends, I experienced life on a college campus..Aggieville was a lot of fun, the bars in McPherson held lots of opportunities of new things to try and do, and I realized that if you party hard enough, you can overwhelm the Still Small Voice that calls you, and wants you to come back to Him. This new group of friends and I had fun.. a lot of fun, but honestly.. fun only lasts so long.... I realized I was running from Him. I don't know why I chose to do that, when He alone gives peace, comfort, and love that never goes away... The darkness you can sink to when you turn away and run from God is deceitful, you don't realize how low you're going until you give in to God, turn around and look at what you've done, how you've changed, and what you've become... So.. this brings me to my next set of friends....

Since this is really about friends, I won't go into the story of how God got a hold of me.. but He did. My friend list was very short during this time.. It's kind of hard to be living for God, and hanging with friends who don't care about Him. So.... God started sending me different friends, friends that were putting Him first in their lives, who loved with God's love, who had courage, Godly wisdom, who trusted Him, had faith in Him, who'd asked Him for forgiveness. Friends who were sinners like me, washed in the blood of Jesus, sanctified, redeemed, covered in the righteousness of God, no matter what kind of sins God had to throw into the sea of forgetfulness.. The ground is truly level at the foot of the cross. These new friends that God keeps sending into our lives... we prayed for them. I prayed earnestly for God to send us friends that loved Him, friends that were full of Him, and His truth, and He is... I'm amazed at the variety of friends He's sending us, so different, but in love with Him and trying to live for Him, getting back up when they fall, praying for guidance, strength, courage, love, faith and Godly wisdom, just like we are. He brings unity and love to His children. He gives us gifts in friends who have been through what we've been through, or can bring a whole different perspective to things we haven't gone through. So... today.. I'm asking God to bless my friends!!!

Jesus, bring comfort to my friends who are hurting today, peace to my friends who are worried, love to my friends who are lonely, blessings to my friends who are courageous, courage to my friends who are feeling weak, faith to my friends who are feeling unsure, hunger for truth and righteousness to my friends who are feeling lukewarm, renewed hearts to my friends who are discouraged.... God bless my friends! In Jesus name, Amen!

Trying to figure out how to post pics

I'm not ready for this: 

                                                 I'm still loving this:

I've never felt time fly this fast before. 

My random thoughts this morning...

I wanted to get an early start to supper tonight so I stuck a pork roast in the oven with one of my "favorite friends that I've never met" 's recipe.... Ree Drummonds, Spicy Dr. Pepper Pulled Pork... and I don't know what I was thinking... it will be done about 1400..... Supper is at 1800.....???? However.. the home is already smelling delicious! Which I hope makes up for my "ignorance"  when the gas man came in a bit ago to relight our pilot lights... ?? How am I suppose to know what pilot lights are, and where they are, and what all has them?! I'm glad he was nice and that I'll never see him again.  I also propositioned a friend of mine this morning with a dowry of a herd of cattle if she'll enter into a planned marriage agreement with our children when the time comes... I'm not sure if she thinks I'm a creeper or not, she didn't agree to it.. I may have just totally ruined my sons chances with her daughter, and she's so sweet, both of them... Look at all the marriages around us.. I really think planned marriages are the way to go.. On another note... I'm holding my breath because my children and myself have been exposed to the stomach flu again.. I really should get some mental help with my "barfing phobia"... I'm not sure it's healthy... the barfing, or the phobia...  Also... my job at CCC is now done.. Betsy is back and the relief is huge.. as much as I loved the job.. I hated the responsibility.. I'm so glad nobody died while I was there... In yet, other news... One of my moms gave me a cool Gevalia coffeepot Sunday and I put it in our room and made coffee in it this morning.. this is going to work out so well... I can get that coffee pot ready the night before, wake up to fresh coffee... before I even make it to the kitchen, where our second coffee maker is... I'm excited about that. On the flip side.. I think it may be giving me heart palpitations.. I've been noticing them the more coffee I drink... I may stop drinking it.. or I may just switch to decaf... ugh.. that doesn't seem right...

This weekend

Yesterday during church, while the pastor was talking about "Nicodemus" ... Johnny turned to me with a very wary expression and said...  "Naked demons?... is he talking about naked demons?"... Maybe I should let him bring a little bag of toys to church after all.. :).. in other news we had an awesome night out with friends Saturday night and our Ben bowled an amazing game.. He came away with the incredible score of..... 6!! 6 pins... Suffice it to say.. he's not real excited to go bowling again... We also got in a bit of trouble... One of the children had a ball get stuck in the gutter, so the husbands, who were sitting casually behind us at a table, said... just roll another ball down the gutter... so we did... gently.... and it worked well, except the second ball gently hit the bar... and stopped everything.. The manager came over and fixed it, then reprovingly looked at my friend and I, and said, "If you hit the bar again, we're going to have to shut down your lane".... We were totally mortified.. meanwhile.. I think our husbands were sort of acting like they weren't even with us....  We'll probably not go bowling anytime in the near future.... but Freddy's and friends was awesome!!

What was the rest of that verse...

First of all, I loved my childhood.. I loved my grandparents and felt totally loved by them. They did an awesome job raising me, taking care of me, teaching Jesus to me.... and I know they did well, but for some reason, when I turned about 18... I started making choices that totally took me down the wrong path. They warned me so many times, they gave me the wisdom they learned in their lives, wanting to save me heartache and regrets and reaping for sins I was sure to add to the ones I already had, if I continued to turn my back on God's still small voice. If I could do it over, I would in a heartbeat. I know people say, you are who you are because of the things you've went through and you shouldn't have any regrets.. Well... I do, I regret the pain I caused the people who loved me, and even more, the pain I caused my Savior who died for me and my sins...  but I don't live in these regrets. I thank God that He continued to call me, that I had prayers galore from family and friends. I felt them, even in the darkest times, I knew God was there, asking me to just say "no" to the devil, the devil who was stealing my life, wrapping me up in chains I felt I couldn't break and and all the while, my heart was getting harder, so I hardly felt anything and anything I did feel, I quickly pretended like I didn't. It's like the song, "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns.. If I knew how to link and post stuff on my blog, I'd post that song right here.

My point here is this.... I was taught the Bible so much as a child... it was read at home morning, noon and night, at church, at school... I knew the Bible stories well... I knew so many verses by memory.. the funny thing I've been noticing though.. is that I know a lot of verses, but only half of them stick in my head... Like... "For the wages of sin is death...." I remember that part... I know the rest of it, but I focus more on that part... Why don't I focus more on the second part.... "But the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord." I lived a Christian life, back in the day, of being afraid of God's anger and judgement, punishment, eternal damnation....I remember hearing, and I even thought it was in the Bible.... "If the love of God can't draw you, let the fear of Hell drive you.".... ugh...... Letting the fear of Hell drive you into living for God doesn't work so well..... The love of God drawing you... now that, my friend, works well.... If you don't feel that love, pray for it, God will give it to you, He's promised to answer our prayers... and that is a totally worthwhile prayer.... I promise!!

There's this one teacher at school, not to pick on any one teacher.. but this one... God totally shines in her. If she wouldn't think I was creepy, I would just stand by her, sit by her, soak her up every chance I had.... so I was thinking...  I know it's the love of Jesus coming out of her.. and His love is right here.. inside of me right now, beside me, all around me.. He's just right beside you too, in you, around you, totally in love with you. He wants us to soak Him up no matter where we are, what time it is, He never sleeps, He's never away, He always loves us, no matter how dumb we've acted, how full of doubt we are, how upset we get, how unforgiving we feel... He loves us, He forgives us when we ask... He lets us have do overs... Whether we're Christians or not, He loves us... He calls us to turn our lives over to Him anytime, anywhere, any place... Which brings me to another point.... I don't think this teacher has any idea of the impact God has chosen for her to be on peoples lives. She's so humble, I think that's a lot of the drawing... Christians don't have to be proclaiming how strong they are in Jesus, how much farther they are in their walk with Him than the next Christian.. etc.... Jesus can use us when we are humble and let Him work... We probably won't even know when we're being used by Him... What's that verse... God is the strongest in our lives, when we are weak... If I wasn't suppose to be somewhere in 5 minutes.. I would look that up.....

Okay, I didn't mean to post this... I wanted to post a funny story... but now look... it's not funny.... and it's too long... but I have to go, and if I start deleting and proof reading... I won't send it, and I think maybe I should....... <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">

all this 

Jan 3, 2013

 I wish I knew how to post pics on here, that would make for a more exciting blog, and less words.

I'm nervous about today... this month.  I had a call from a friend ... an "almost stranger" a few weeks ago, asking if I could help her out by filling in for her, while she has neck surgery and recovers. She's the Nurse at Central Christian College.. I said, "Oh sure, that sounds like fun!" because it did..... then...... 3 weeks ago..... Yesterday, I ran up there for a bit to learn the ropes... I've been a Labor and Delivery nurse for 16 years, haven't really done anything else to speak of.. I'm pretty sure this is not my area of expertise.. If I have one, that is... Today is my first day... I'm feeling nauseous and shaky and it's not because of the whole pot of coffee I just finished off... I really hope everyone is healthy and nobody gets hurt for this whole month that I'm filling in.... I think I may even pray that before I get there today.. ARGH!  I can be so selfish... Let me take a moment and change my attitude.... I'm going to pray that for the students and faculty's sake.. not my own! Which also makes me realize, my lady I'm working for, is having surgery, probably right now as I speak, and I wasn't even thinking of her... I may be responsible for my son's the "world revolves around me" syndrome....  Adding Nurse Betsy to my prayers! .... At least this blog is going to teach ME something... I think way too much of myself and not enough of others... and there I go again.. thinking of myself over others!!!!! Ewww... yuck.. this could go and on..